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Ancient First Time Manager’s Guide to Surviving and Thriving

- Nov 26, 2012

What follows was carved into the walls of the managers’ break-room in one the world’s first factories: Acme Chariot Wheels, on South SunGod Street, Mesopotamia.

The editors recognized that these truths were so timeless that they felt it was important to share them with you, even though they were written 4,000 years ago or more.

Ahuratum’s Rules of Management

I am writing this because I am tired of you sons-of-goats driving me crazy with all kinds of questions. What I am telling you is everything you need to know to succeed. Don’t ask me again.

  1. Treat everyone like you want to be treated! You can’t expect people to listen to you if you treat them like the backside of a rented donkey. Speak to people with respect and kindness or might find yourself making your own chariot wheels.
  2. Make your own chariot wheels! Don’t ask your people to do things you can’t. Unless they went to the University of Mesopotamia for a degree in Astrology, there should be nothing your people do that you can’t do.
  3. You are your own best asset -and worst enemy! If this is the first time you are leading people, you need to teach them to learn to follow you. Even sheep won’t be led over a cliff by someone they don’t know. You need to show everyone that you can lead before they will follow.
  4. It doesn’t matter how sired you; you must still earn respect! Just because you father is the biggest carpet dealer in the Euphrates Delta doesn’t make you a success. If makes you the child of a wealthy man, that’s all. You must learn to lead and show others that you can do it.
  5. Never yell! No one has the right to raise their voice at another. Besides, they might just make sure that you never speak again if you scream at them.
  6. Don’t be rude, sarcastic or mean! If you are trying to lead people, speak to them in a way that shows that you value them. Even the dumbest jackass will resist you if you beat him. But he will walk all the way to Egypt if you give him sugar and dates.
  7. Remember that everything that flies, lands! It is always possible for you to be brought down from your position by your employer. Don’t make people angry on your way; they won’t like you any more when they have to work next to you again.
  8. (Unless you are leading soldiers in battle…) Nothing in life is that important! Keep calm. Getting all upset when your horses break out only makes them more upset. Stay calm and don’t let anyone see you get upset.
  9. Think before you push your boat into the middle of the Euphrates River! Make sure, before you start out, that you know where you are going and what steps it will take to get there. Pushing off to soon will have you floating down a river without a paddle. And there are crocodiles in the river.
  10. Be sure to have some fun, too! It might seem like now you have to be a big pain in the horses end, but really, it will be much nicer for everyone if you simply relax and have a good time. Work is work, but it doesn’t have to be painful.

Those are my rules for surviving. Follow them and you will do fine. Don’t follow them and you might end up feeling like crocodile food, chewed up and like feces.

Thus ends the engraving on the wall of the Acme Chariot Wheel Company.

The only other thing written on the wall was some graffiti done later that said, “Sin-Nasir kisses goats,” but the editors do not think that this information is very helpful for new managers.


                                                                        – Your friends are ACE Employment – Boston, Mass, USA

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